Whether or not you’ve played Elden Ring, you’ve likely heard a lot about difficulty, freedom, and bosses. But what about sex? Sex plays no part in this game, however, it is all about it.
(Warning: This article contains minor Elden Ring spoilers, but not more than you might encounter in the early hours of the game)
When you step into the big wide world for the first time in the Elden Ring, the first character you encounter says, “Very bad guy, you don’t have a girlfriend.” Or well, he says you are without a virgin. But this goes back to the same thing.
FromSoftware games aren’t exactly sex-oriented. The games are dark, gloomy, difficult and often sloppy but not exciting. Although I wouldn’t be surprised if you encounter some monsters making love to each other in the mud of a dark swamp. Slow and slimy.
No, in the Elden Ring, most sexual tension consists of getting on your knees in front of a woman embracing you closely. Not a touch that gets you excited, but a touch that literally lowers the bar for your life.
There are hints here and there. Soon you will encounter Alexander the Iron Fist at the Elden Ring. It sounds like a majestic boss you fight and die dozens of times before you emerge victorious in the end, but it is not. Alexander is also affectionately known as Pot Boy. It is a pot with arms and legs stuck in the ground.
When you answer the plea for help, he says, “Just give a good slap in the back, with something nice and big.” You don’t have to worry about hurting him because he says he’s well trained. If you hit him from behind with your sword, he will shout “Ah!” Until he comes out of the ground with “Ahhh!”.
If I believe the reactions on social media, I’m not the only one who sees this interaction as more than a bowl stuck in the ground and in need of a sword strike.
However, it is mainly the players who add sexual innuendo to the game. In Elden Ring, just as in previous games from FromSoftware, you can leave messages in the world. These are scattered on the floor and touched to read. Sometimes the ghost of the player making a certain move appears. For example, to indicate a direction in which you can walk.
But wherever you add the ability to post content, it becomes sexual. This is no different on the Elden Ring. Every time a corpse is on the floor, you can also expect a message like “finger try, but complete”. A message that comes back in almost every FromSoftware game.
Someone writes “If only I had a boyfriend,” while praising the sun’s reflection on the wall, making it look like the hole in the wall turns into a glory hole. Another writes “chest forward” if a female character appears, or “steps forward” if something looks like a butt.
In an area where two suits of armor are next to each other, the message “Try two deliveries” is displayed. I was hoping it was a great two-handed weapon, but no: the player’s ghost spreads out its arms, making it look like it’s helping the two men with shields.
I’ve played Elden Ring offline for a while. The Xbox version has some network issues about the release and I haven’t closed the game since because of the easy Quick Resume. When I finally rebooted the game and automatically played it online, the world suddenly changed from a cold, scary, and sexless place to a playground full of peer warriors.
So it’s players who make Elden Ring sexual, but not just in messages. We’ve previously written about Buttplug.io, a way to make buttplug games work together. The Buttplug.io designer has now turned to Elden Ring: “You want your Elden Ring up and we’re committed to making it happen.”
The result is an update that makes the butt stopper vibrate every time it gets hit on the Elden Ring. This is how it works. Even a cock ring works with the game, with the apparent name Elden Cockring.
But there’s one more thing: Elden Ring is a sex-free game that’s really about sex, and it’s deeply rooted in the game’s design. I don’t know how you guys play, but I find Elden Ring really interesting. When I play it, my muscles are tense, my heart rate is high and my breathing is rapid.
Constant anticipation of what might come. Then the long fights that leave you sweaty and utterly exhausted, with that massive feeling at last of releasing yourself when you defeat a boss. Don’t you feel compelled to light a cigarette afterwards? That’s a lot for a very good game and it controls you so much that once you start, you won’t have sex for a while.
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