Every time I asked questions about things that stood out to me, he would answer my doubts. My previous relationship had ended because of infidelity and his argument was that my inner feelings were still stemming from that. Repressed trauma, so to speak. And I took that from him: I convinced myself that it was all because of my insecurities.

And I have to say, he went out of his way to reassure me. He met my daughter, he had fun with my friends, he regularly drove ten hours each way and ten hours back from the projects to spend the weekend with me. When he wasn’t there, we FaceTimed every day and texted back and forth.”

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List of titles

“We had been together for over a year when we went on a longer holiday for the first time to Brazil. During that trip he seemed to get so absorbed in his phone that he even took it to the toilet. I also occasionally saw him taking selfies of himself. random Places he seemed to do nothing about. Why would he do that? I thought it was strange, and since he was also distant from me, I decided to look at his iPad one evening. His “favorites” contained a long list of numbers and addresses of women I didn’t know. I kept it quiet and decided to see what would happen.

After an argument, it didn’t go over well when he said he was going to work out, so I decided to use Find My Friends to find out where he was. It turned out he was with Carla, one of the women on his address book. When I asked him why he lied about his whereabouts, he admitted that he had gone to her house for a drink in a fit of anger and that things had gotten out of hand. Of course I was upset, it was a big drama, but it helped that we finally had a real conversation about our situation. And it led to a rift. It turned out he had slightly more flexible standards and values ​​than I did, and I didn’t want to be stuck in limbo about that.

Missing

“After a few months where I was honestly miserable, he called me again. We slowly found each other again after many long conversations and decided to resume our relationship. Looking back, of course, I should never have done that, but yes: I felt very miserable without him.

This time he was in the South of France for work, so we flew to see each other every other week. Every now and then. During one of those weekends, we got into an argument because I thought he was getting distant again. I went for a walk outside angrily and when I got back, he had already packed his bag and left. Knowing that our next weekend date wouldn’t be for another month, I didn’t want to break up so angry. I texted and called him, but he turned off his phone. Of course, he had immediately deactivated the “find my friends” function after the previous incident, so I couldn’t use it anymore.

A few hours later I called his sister to ask if she knew anything else, then his brother – neither of them could get in touch with him. No one knew where he was. After 24 hours, his sister decided to call the police and report him missing. Luckily, they were able to track down the car he was using at the time through his employer, who had an address in Harlem. She recognized her as one of his “girlfriends” from that iPad list. Just bad stuff again.”

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New lover

“Shortly after, he turned his phone back on and was of course shocked by all the missed messages and calls. He called me and said he didn’t think it was happening that way anymore: he couldn’t think of any excuses for his behaviour. We finally broke up and I haven’t spoken to him since.

The person I still talk to is the woman from Harlem where he was that day. I called him afterward to apologize: I just assumed he was single. We stayed in touch after that and she’s actually my friend now. That’s the bright side of this situation, but otherwise it’s pretty dark. Afterwards I think: So many lies and hints, why didn’t I see her? But at least I’m happy to know what happened now. For me, the romance is over for now. Let it go.”

*Julia tells her story anonymously. Her real name is known to the editors.

communicate

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